delayed reaction syndrome

There's a lot of info I haven't actually updated in my LJ. It's just stuff I mention and then assume people know how it ended up. For instance, I'm on controlled smoking: 3x/day, not still w/out cigarettes as had been noted in my last smoking post. The dude upstairs has actually kept his music down. I think some other neighbors may have complained so he's better about it. Of course, we now have a downstairs neighbor who's bad about masking his pot scent. The rats are getting acclimated and even though *ahem* someone dropped one of them (you know who you are), they are very people friendly. They poop though. A lot. I still haven't had any seizures since they upped my meds. I still haven't used my vacuum cleaner. And the party plans have stagnated, which I need to pick up on being that the party is 2 weeks away.

All that aside, I wanted to also try to go back to my lj quotes pattern where I list quotes everytime I post. In my OCD psychosis I've actually kept a record of all the quotes I've used in order to not repeat myself. I looked over the record & found some serious gems: quotes by my own friends or family that are worthy of repeating. So instead of a quote today I give you:

Things you wish Beth never heard you say!

Kris: "That's not blood. That's excitement juice!"

Me to Kris: "What's a few millimeters of rubber between friends?"

Step-mom: "Have you been eating?"
Me: "Not really. I just had this discussion with Dad and he got upset with me."
Step-mom: "What your father doesn't understand is that you don't *have* to eat everyday."

Neil: "I hate couples. I want to kill them."
Me: "Did you want to kill Mike and I when we were dating?"
Neil: "No. I just wanted to kill you. You took Michael away from me!"

Me: "I had to reformat my hard drive. But I'm glad I did, I felt like it was being purged of evil."
Matt: "Oh man. Of all the people who shouldn't reformat without supervision."

Trae: "The last segment of the third pole falls from the ceiling, but it is covered in caulking."
Ryan: "Oh no! We've been caulk-blocked!"

Sarah: "Because when I think 'Martha Stewart,' I think 'Beth Rasmussen.'"

Random quote from work (@Pike's)-
Husband: "We should get some lights for our door. Would you like blinking ones?"
Wife (as husband turns his back to go towards lights section, making flashing signs with her hands she whispers to me): "Whorehouse."

Laura (as Julian and I go for another Jager shot): "Beth! Have you taken your medicine, yet?"
Julian (after I stare at Laura blankly for a few seconds): "See Beth, the correct answer to that is, 'I'm about to.'"

Ryan: "Wait, wait! Michael and Beth in the same room together?"
Rob: "Hey Ryan. Here's some salt. Would you like to pour it anywhere?"

Me: "I brought the alcohol."
Trae: "This isn't going to be a big drinking party."
Me: "... right."
Karrie: "Beth sees 3 or more people getting together as an excuse to get drunk."

Me: "Hey Neil, I found an ewok baby for you to kill."
Neil: "Is it cute and quivering and makes you want to rip off its head?"
Me: "Yes. It's right through this door."
Neil: "No! That's Cassie's cat!"

Matt: "We're thinking about making tree-shaped Everclear jello shots."
Me: "Oh god."
Matt: "It'll be a party to remember."
Me: "Or forget."
Matt: "Or be reminded of - 'Do you remember that party-?' 'No!'"

Ryan: "Is that what it literally means? Gran Mal is 'Big Bad' seizure? Is there, like, an opposite?"
Roo: "Yeah, a Gran Bueno seizure."
Me: "A Gran Bueno seizure is actually an orgasm."

On the Metatron (see Dogma) and oral sex-
Me: "It's better to receive than to give...?"
Roo: "Yeah, but he'd just spit it out."
Me: "My pussy is not filled with alcohol!"
Roo: "I'm sure there are some carcinogens floating around there."

Julian: "So what's a group of Catholics called?"
Laura: "It should be a 'pride' of Catholics."
Julian: "What about a 'murder' of Catholics."
Me: "How about a 'mass murder'?"

Rob: "Ryan has a stick and flashlight."
Neil: "Where'd he get the stick?"
(Ryan runs out of the house)
Rob: "I don't know."
(Rob leaves the house and then comes right back in)
Rob: "It was the antenna from Trae's car that he ripped off!"

Sarah (looking through my music list): "Ace of Base? You lose."
Me: "But... Rob listens to Ace of Base."
Sarah (whispering): "Rob's gay."
Me: "Oh."

Talking to mom on the phone after I told her I was listening to Tom Jones:
"We don't listen to Tom Jones. We listen to Prince. ... Queen! We listen to Queen, not Prince!"

On Sarah's memories:
Sarah: "I've started inserting you in places you don't belong."

Old school Sarah and I quote:
Me: "One's rum and Coke, the other's vodka and Wild Cherry Pepsi. Try 'em both."
Sarah: "Yeah, Beth, take the Pepsi challenge!"

"They're dwarven zombies. No, Alesoro, you cannot have sex with them." – Starax (my D&D character)

"Necrophilia! That's wonderful." - Ann (reading people's Death Certificates)

'Getting another 6"
Of you-know-what.'
-e-mail from mom

From the "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom" department:
"I love you. I am sure there are other people who love you, too. But the list is growing thin."

Mom on Beth: "She's my little pelican."
EL: "...Pelican?"
Mom: "Cause she 's all legs... FALMINGO! I MEANT FLAMINGO!"

Mike: "It's so weird to think of both Neil and Ryan dating."
Me: "And not each other!"

On my Toombs "issue" -
Me: "When will I have the time for this again?"
Matt: "If you want to stalk someone, you'll make the time."

On my cloves "issue" -
Me: "I like the coughing. It helps me know that I'm alive."
Kris: "Wow. Your life sucks."

From the "by you, I mean me" category:
Me: "If you fall asleep I might... do things to you."
Sarah: "Like when you drew all over Roo?"
Me: "I didn't draw on Roo!"
Sarah: "I drew on Roo."

Sarah: "What the hell is this bus doing here at night?"
Me (reading license plate): "It's Elvis!"
Sarah: "You're right! It is Elvis. Well then nevermind."

Me: "Why are we talking about bras at a D&D session?"
Zach: "Bras are good, keep up with the bras."
Me: "Well, bras do keep us up."
Karrie: "Beth, you are officially the worst person I know."

Me: "Sorry I'm so tired, but I just SHAT OUT A DEMON."
Trae: "Wow, that'd be a cool feat to have in D&D."

Me: "I have to get batteries for my... (pause to think) camera."
Theresa (to Judson): "She said camera."

Neil (after I sing some of "Careless Whispers" to him): "Oh I know that song. Give me any George Michaels lyrics and I'll sing them!"
Me: "So when are you going to get arrested in a British men's room?"
Neil: "I'll go only if Mike's there."

"I was caller number 6 and won the traveling alarm clock, and a chance to win a trip for two to France. I never win anything. Does this mean that God loves me after all?"
-e-mail from Mom

Me: "I have, as it were, junk in my trunk."
EL: "I have no trunk. I'm like a miata."

Kris (reacting to my confusion between bamboo sticks and cranberry juice): "There's a subtle difference between wood and fluid."

Neil (attempting to teach me how to take a jello shot): "Just put your mouth on it and suck it!"

Matt: "Where's Genny?"
Me (being drunkenly facetious): "Who?"
Matt: "You know. Genny. The girl who dated Neil and then Rob."
Me: "Wasn't that me?"

Ryan (to his ex): "Cat, you're my parallel parking."

Me: "I don't know if I could be a McDonald's manager. [That guy who gave us our food] would be like, 'I need my money now to buy my crack!' and I'd be all like, 'Okay, Jermaine.'
Sarah: "I'd be like, 'Did you know that Jermaine actually means "common"? Maybe that's why you're stuck working at McDonald's.'"

[parts paraphrased below]
Me: "That UNI-BROW was so scary."
Sarah: "It was just one huge bar! The sad thing is, it's fixable. I can't imagine any girl who would see it and still want to have sex with him."
Me (laughing so hard I'm crying): "Maybe that's how he gets sex. Some poor girl gets so disgusted with the uni-brow she's mesmerized or in shock."
Sarah: "That's awful! I'm just imagining some girl going {makes motions with her neck going back and forth in rythmic motion, a horrified look on her face} and then later saying, 'Officer, the last thing I remember was a uni-brow!'"

Neil: "If I'm going down, I'm going down on what I love!"

Sarah: "Oh yeah. I cast Create... Wealth?"

Me: "I'm not that fat."
Mom: "But your genetics are."

Me: "Is that a sword in your pocket, or..."
Neil: "No, I'm just happy to see you. But be careful, it's sharp."

Me: "Do you need a personal assistant? I could... wash your cat."
Sarah: "The first thing I imagined when you said that was Cat Lyons on a leash."

The only post-seizure memory:
Rob: "Beth, are you okay? Do you need anything?"
Hamid: "Would you like us to stare at you some more?"

Judson: "I just don't have the get-up-and-go to be a pirate."

Hamid: "He has Skill Focus: Suck."

On getting food -
Trae: "You can't eat pork, that's the only thing, right? Oh, (he says in a bemused tone) and you can't have alcohol. Isn't that right?"
Hamid: "Yeah. We should be fine, unless you order from 'Leroy's Beer and Pork Shack'."

A common problem for our group -
Laura: "I'm just warning you guys. Nobody should touch my badger."
Trae: "Listen lady, nobody *wants* to touch your badger."

Mom on visiting her brother:
"That's where I can go and eat shrimp and they have to love me."

Spooky coincidences:
Me: "I'm trying to read 'Good Omens'."
EL: "I would have figured you'd have read it by now. It's by..."
Me: "Yeah, it's by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman."
Mom: "THE Neil Diamond?!?"
Me & EL: "GAIMON!"
Mom: "Oh. Ha."
Then we paused, listened to the radio, and realized that Neil Diamond was playing.

I told Judson that I might auction off my virginity for rent money. He said he'd pay. I said, "Congratulations. You own my virginity. It should lead a long and healthy life if you take good care of it." He seemed a little disappointed.

Coming out of the Dekalb Farmer's Market
Laura: "Now on to our next stop."
Ben: "What is our next stop?"
Laura: "Well, we have an option: liquor or Waffle House."

This summed it up for Laura:
"I've got Cory. I've got New Years. I'm so happy!"

Talking about parts of the penis-
Ryan: "You know all those parts?"
Judson: "Yeah..."
Neil: "Of course he does!"
Judson: "You never know when it'll come in handy."
Hamid: "Oh yeah. (looking down as if to a girl down there) 'Hey, the perineum needs a little more attention.'"

Later in the car-
Me: "Is it just me, or does the perineum sound like something in agriculture? 'The perineums are growing this spring season!'"

From a hot British religion prof. I had back at Emory:
"If you have to cap somebody over Christmas break, shooting like that won't work."
"Jackie Chan: every four movies he's like, 'I haven't dressed as a Catholic monk in three movies, I better dress like one in this movie.'"

Laura (grocery shopping with me): "No Beth. Tasty cakes and Pepsi are not food."

Ryan (seeing my Jack Sparrow shirt): "Hey! It's Jack Bauer. I'm sorry. I've been watching 24, I see Jack Sparrow, there are breasts, I'm confused."

Will: "You do that and I will fuck you in the ass."
Sparky: "I'll... just pretend its someone else."
Will: "What? Like, 'oh Brad Pitt! oh yeah!'"
Me: "No, I think its more like 'oh William Shatner!'"
Will: "'Oh Kirk! Oh Captain! Yes!'"
Sparky (in a Scottish accent): "'Captain! I can't give it anymore! Oh God!'"

Me: "He's a pirate!"
Sparky: "Your mom's a pirate!"
Ashley: "Your mom goes to pirate college!"

Me: "Oh no! We left Kris alone with the porn!"
Sarah: "I don't think she really cares."
Me (seeing Kris walking away from the living room talking on her cell): "Oh no! We left the porn alone with the porn!"

I need more Sparky & Patrick quotes, but I never write them down. That, and it's hard to figure out a way to tell Patrick's "first-rate cunt lapping" story.