Complaints Department

I don't listen to the radio anymore, except as a waking up aid. Sometimes it's NPR, sometimes 99X. This morning I have on 99X and I'm treated to the following:
Creep by Radiohead
In The Name of Love by U2
some miserable trite by a modern band

I immediately shut off my alarm as the "newer" song has awful lyrics (not even nonsensical enough to be amusing, just bad enough to make me feel dumber for listening), cacophonous background music, and was so ridiculous I was wondering if this was a band trying to take itself seriously like the former two or if it knew it was this bad and had sold its soul to make money & get on the radio. I also wondered who was sitting in the room at 99X because this kind of thing happens all the time. They play really good songs, then this crap. And you go, "are you trying to make a point? Or do you just have an iPod on random?" I think I could be a DJ for 99X.

My point is (yes there is one) what will this decade (the "Oughts") be remembered for when it comes to music? We only have a month to go and there are only a handful of decent bands, to name the few I stand by The Killers & The Decemberists (the original "The" bands of '00s). But we will also drag behind us the graveyard of pop music. We shall forever have the Jonas Brothers, My Chemical Romance (sorry EL, I can't forgive them for what they did to Rorschach), and Lady Gaga. Not to mention what *genres* of music will be brought up when people think of '00s: money rap, Autotune (which is swiftly becoming its own musical choice thanks to T-Pain), pop punk (?!?!? - thank you P!nk and Avril Lavigne), and happy dancing teenagers still abound, but in a higher marketable format (High School Musical, Glee, and don't forget American Idol). Also, why did Britney ever come back?

Was it this bad when we were young? Did the older generations look around at Cindi Lauper and say, well yeah we have U2, Duran Duran, The Clash, and several other notable bands, but you are unacceptable? I know people tried to say that to Madonna, but nothing ever kept her down. I know in the 90s was the start of the "Britney-era", but I promise that wasn't my fault because I was growing up and she was trying to appeal to a younger crowd at that time. I was a tween & teenager during the Angst years: grunge music & gangster rap & ska. I wore big pants and dreamed about taking down Big Corporate. Well, looks like Big Corp did that to itself. Getting back on topic, my point is I don't *remember* listening to the radio and having to wait through as much bad music as now. Sure there were songs I wouldn't care for (never was a Jane's Addiction fan and you can keep Mudshovel), but the music always *seemed* better. If I hear a song from back then I go, "yeah, that's still an okay song" (though maybe not a great song, not saying it's as good as the first two listed on this post). Or is that just Nostalgia deafening me to a reality that music is catered to a generation. If that's the case, this generation is a little effed up: a good 80% (mind you 75% of statistics are made up) of their songs are without substance. I feel like I'm reading someone's twitter.

Okay. Just had to get that out. Now I'm late for work, but that's alright, because no one really knows what my schedule is anyway.

Enjoy some 70's disco-rap from Italy. It's super-awesome:

I would kill someone, in front of their own mother, for a cigarette right now.

Good thing I only have $2 to my name.

Maybe some of you played it as a kid. Maybe some of you have played it more recently. Perhaps you only know of it by name. I speak of a game that consists of paper money, tiny cars, peg people colored blue & pink, and a journey into richness beyond belief or poverty and ruin. For me it was a game of fantasy and adventure. I recall playing it repeatedly in our family den by myself "spinning" the little plastic center spinner until it didn't quite work right. In actuality, I moved the spinner to where it needed to be to get the right numbers to win. Or re-spun a lot. I played until I got the best path to college, marriage, children, money, mansion. The end. That was how the game of life was supposed to work. Sometimes I played more than once in one sitting. I couldn't figure out until recently why I did that: I was in a city where I had not made any friends (in fact I never made any *real* friends in Seymour except one who eventually moved 2 years afterwards), my toys had been great yet pretty budget (understandable for a minister, but we're talking no video games and I was a shut-in chubby kid), and I have always been able to be obsessive about games (as is shown with FFX, Kingdom Hearts, etc.) where I'm alone and trying to complete "quests". I would have been great with an original console, if my parents had ever spent the dough, but they didn't really believe in those things. But that's not what this is about.

This is about when I stopped playing The Game of Life. One day I went for the box and the money was missing. I don't remember who I asked about it, I think I might have accused my sister of stealing it. But the conclusion was that it was "missing" possibly from my last game I forgot to put it back or the dog got to it or some combination of excuses. I was retarded enough an 8 year old to believe this. Honestly I think my family was tired of me sitting by myself and playing the same game and hid the cash on me. I tried using Monopoly money, but it wasn't the same. I tried playing without the money, but Life without money is... not as enjoyable I found. For the years I lived in my father's parsonage I kept trying to locate where the paper funds might have been lost or hidden (many strange things were lost in that house including several hamsters in floorboard radiators & buckets of water). Shortly after I think my 11th birthday my parents got a divorce. My dad stayed in town for a year or so more, but I still had access to that house and every so often (on the weekends & holidays that he got me) I would see The Game of Life and get an itch to play, but then remember... it was kind of worthless. But could never figure out why they kept it.

My father moved away & my mom raised my sister and I for a few years. Then it was just the two of us on our own after EL went to Yale. So at the end of high school I started looking into colleges, because in Life that's what you did. I was rejected from several, either because I was late, or my SAT scores were not fantastically high, or because I just kind of half-assed my essay. But I got into Emory which I was happy with. I did okay at Emory, but then when I graduated I was ready to take the next step. What was the next step? According to Life, you get married and have kids or you get a job that pays $40,000, at least if you play the game right. The least I could do was find a decent place to live. My friends also had this impression, so I moved in with Kris and I think we spent honestly too much on our first few apartments, as awesome as they were. And I waited for the job offers because that's what happened to college graduates according to the Game, but ended up with a temp job and then with the job I'm working now. At that point I wasn't too discouraged because I was hearing a lot of the same things from all my friends and felt that I had to work my way up, no Game is that simple.

I have since realized there is no Game, there is no laid out plan or magical successful version of Future Beth that exists in a flashy mansion and pimped out ride. My inherent xenophobia and anxiety disorders are currently preventing me from pushing for further employment (I apply, but suck at follow ups, interviews, and just plain fucking talking to people). So unless the economy fixes itself and shut-ins like myself are able to make more money just by being ourselves or I magically find that pile of missing money in the form of real cash (I believe it was 2 million in Life) I may have a few options:
1) I *can* go back to grad school, though that may just stick me back in the same situation as before (albeit wiser, yet poorer). I have no idea for what. I have no idea what I'd do for money in the mean time.
2) Come off the DMP - debt management program. I miss my credit cards something *fierce*. And I've been on the program for so long that I can just have one of them pay of another and actually have a $0 on one of them. I just don't know if I take the DMP if the APR's would shoot through the roof on all my credit cards. I'd have to ask them.
3) Back to full time at work. No time to look for work or think about grad school. Exhausted at all hours. Would probably change my schedule back to 9-6. This is a maybe based on if I can change my manager & if they will *allow me*. Also, may not get a raise. How awesome is that?

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching." - http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

So I finally, begrudgingly, finish editing the damn resume. Something tells me to go to Emory temps and I see there's a link to this: http://www.ets.emory.edu/ets/ETSJobfair9-23-09.pdf

I just changed my schedule so I have Wednesdays off. Some of you may be asking why I am off today as well... that is not a good question. Technically I should be at work, but I thought it was gonna be another floody day and I went to bed with a sore throat (actually, know the reason for that, but don't want to talk about it). But I agreed to work OT (well, reg hours) Thursday & Friday. But hopefully I won't ever have to go back after this week!

Marketable Skills I don't know how to write on my resume:
-Past boyfriend/obsession experiences have made me a very Able Stalker. Am quite handy/capable with various Internet search engines and locating information on people when it is... unnecessary. I believe it was Kertz the Elder who said to me, "If you want to stalk someone, you'll make the time."

-Obsessive Compulsive behavior compels me to do things like this: http://picasaweb.google.com/arasmus & go thru each and every picture tagging the photos (almost done with this current exercise as of writing this post, but I have already wasted a dozen or so hours doing this monotonous job & got up at the break of dawn a few times because it bothered me that it wasn't done). Obviously I don't mind the research or repetitive aspects of my current job, it's just the customers that make it unbearable. Oh, and the reason I remembered the quote above? Had it written down on an extremely long list of LJ quotes I keep a log of.

-Will reliably Underbudget For a Party.

-Yet said parties are generally Creative & Popular, except in the case of the War Party, bad timing to get a good crowd. I don't have no formal learnin' like Martha, nor would care to get some sort of special hostess degree (looked into the hospitality field, decided it was not for me since it would either be weddings which involve crazy bitches or funerals which involve too much grief counseling - people thought I would be a shoe-in for the funeral industry until I realized I can't stand the calls from strangers looking for help with their bills because someone just died.) However, I don't think I would mind a job that would occasionally involve some creative thinking or planning. Like if I were an office secretary & were in charge of someone's next party. I have the skills to do basic skeletal work for that, just no formal training and I don't know how to say that to people without feeling... weird about it.

Do not want: moar customer service, food industry, outside, animals, construction, sick/dying people, crazy bitches (this includes mental illness).
Do not mind: basements, dead people, monotony, managing facilities that involve sick/dying people, people who *think* they are sick (like working in chiropractor office, spa, or retreat), silence, crazy parties.

Grant's got drill weekend. I get some time alone today. Let's hope it doesn't turn out like this:


Nabbed from watchmen_lulz: Who Lulz The Watchmen

Apparently good food, good friends, good drinks, a lovely wedding, me looking great, and getting to bed at a decent hour equates to a series of dreams set in a nightmare realm. I remember bits & pieces, but this is what I could stitch together:

A loud noise and flashing outside woke me up. I had that icy, clenching fear where I couldn't move and it was all slo-mo. I was angry as well and about to call the police when I felt a presence in the room, like a small, black child. The child either kept trying to take my phone away or tell me my signal wouldn't get there. I was less frightened after it spoke and more just frustrated/angry. So I tried to stand & adjust the curtains to block the lights coming from outside, but the curtains were getting shorter and for some reason I no longer had a bay window & 2 side windows, but one looong window that stretched all around the studio. And there was this noise like an alarm, but also like bad music that I kept screaming for someone to turn off. (Part of me wonders if the neighbors left something on that was distracting me, but I doubt it since it would have been the middle of the night and my neighbors are pretty cool.)

Sarah & I in a looping interstate slowing down because of all the cop cars. We notice one of the cop cars has a guy in the back seat with a gun to the cop's head. Sarah says we should keep going, I want to stop and see what happens. We slow behind the car and the cop I think manages to get the gun from the guy on the sheer fact that he's stupid and drunk and is giving him a urination test (on the side of the road?), meanwhile we're chillin' out with some truckers that have been pulled over and crazy homeless dudes (everywhere!). The homeless guys aren't so much asking for money as they are telling us weird things and there was one really old guy dressed like a sailor that had a short, white beard that kept harassing us. We're disturbed by the amount of crazy going on, but we stay for some reason (she may have had a breakdown, or a cop finally might've started trying to issue her a ticked despite how slow we were going). Suddenly we hear a shot and stupid guy comes running around saying he wasn't really drunk and was waiting to get the gun back. Then he jumps in the truck's cab we were sitting on and starts driving off with us sitting in back of it (waking up the old sailor man sleeping on the hood).

There was some sort of nightmare version of Dragon*Con. It involved the Circus of the Damned or something because it was more of a freakshow than usual. There was a guy who was getting things to float, like teacups and shit. Then he had this line of trained cats (all Maine Coon, I recall, with their ears clipped) painted in a rainbow of colors, and one by one he would have them step up and would make them fly. Until one of them died. This parts a little blurry. I just recall Sarah being a little horrified so we wandered over to the fishtank. There was a guy doing a show there as well (different guy), and he had lizards, and big red fish, and small eel-like fish to show people. I guess I thought it was all so cool and decided to go swimming in the tank, not realizing some of the fish were poisonous. After swimming around for a few minutes I didn't realize one of the small eel-like fish had attached themselves to my shoulder and was trying to kill me. We managed to get it off in time. Sarah and I decided to leave the Con. (It's amazing, every year I have at least 3, if not more, nightmares about Con well in advance of it.)

In the best dream, though, I was coming home from a party & I lived in a New York-style apartment building. I was trying to show my friends my new apartment (which honestly I think looks like my current place, it was just in New York). Some background information: The superintendent of said building was a Russian named Peter who looked like a well-built Ted Raimi. The building was owned by one of my managers, Scott, who, while a lardass, is not completely retarded like the others. For some reason my brain couldn't come up with "super" and kept saying "extra" in place of that, but I will say "super" so as not to confuse anyone. The elevators were set up in some sort of bizarre fashion, 5 or 6 of them each going to a different set of floors (like in the Mariott), despite the fact that we didn't have that many apartments, and they were arranged around this lovely sitting room for people to chill out in. And to access the elevator you had to have a key & a code. I can't remember if this was Scott's or Peter's idea. Or some prior paranoid owner's. Back to the dream: So we walk in and I'm unable to figure out how it works that late and I'm a little drunk and my friends decide to abandon me after 20 minutes. Scott keeps trying to get Peter to admit to something, but Peter is just smiling and joking with him until Scott leaves. So I go and talk to Peter because I'll need him to get me back into my place. This weird voice-over voice tells me he likes pajamas and I notice he is wearing an array of P.J.s and I thank the voice. I ask what he was talking to Scott about and he either tells me or hints at it or shows me on the laptop he was working on: earlier in the dream at the party there had been a series of weird explosions that no one knew where they'd come from. So apparently Peter is a terrorist, but for good? Which I totally find hot and dangerous in the dream and invite him up to my place. But then it gets weird and slo-mo again and I can't find all of my things. It took another 20 minutes to get back to the elevators (which are right there), but I succeed in getting laid with the hot super (I think)? The dream ends at making out at the elevators.

My mom and other family members are on Facebook. No more posting naughty pics there. Back to ImageShack.

Here's the gallery link the 4th of July, enjoy my friends: http://img29.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=awkwardstares.jpg - Sorry about the name, that was the first pic of the group. All the pics are mine except the one I stole from Roo which I wanted badly to make my FB pic, but can't because it shows me smoking, but I'm in my awesome red corset. The picture set also tries to evenly match man-crotches to the pics of boobs because rbrav's group of photos was so sorely missing that balance. Hurray for the red, white, and blue corsets!

Awake at 3a.m. making waffles!!!

Yeah, so that happened. I need to get off this fucked up sleep schedule where I just take a nap everytime I feel like it. I don't know how to resist sleep. One of my meds actually makes me tired so when I come home exhausted from my stupid job & go to take a nap I can end up sleeping all night or wake up @4am, but that may mean I'll miss my meds (oops) & dinner & a shower. I even set my alarm clock this time to wake me up at 9:30pm to no avail. Getting to be regoddamndiculous. Maybe I don't have enough stimulation? Or maybe its the depression? Or maybe its the constant caffeine/nicotine issues? God's punishment for being a chronic masturbator? Whatever the cause is I need to fix it because I'm seriously going to end up having another seizure with my med schedule all fucked up.

But not today. Because I've had coffee. And tasty waffles.

Thanks to lux_aurumque, I has a new hat:

I spent a week without Internet and felt... empty. That was a weird feeling. My new apartment is great and is right across from two friends, but it was just odd that I had no e-mail or Facebook (which I hardly check) and all of a sudden I was disconnected from the universe. I think I need therapy.

Anyway. This is the weekend of tying up loose ends: need to get keys to the old complex & will be done & done with that whole mess. The final bill on that is mostly paid though there is a... petty dispute still lingering and I don't look forward to tapping into that negativity, but it may make or break a friendship. On a lighter side I got my maskless Rorschach figure out & took some pics of him. He can be viewed on the elevator_shaft community. Thinking about doing some fan art in my spare time. In a seemingly related, but totally unrelated (I promise you) note, Sarah & I came up with an idea for a new CD: the stalker soundtrack. We started compiling songs, so far there are 13 off my computer & if anyone can think of any please let me know. I'll be happy to check them out & add to the list (will put in a cut below to preview).

I feel kind of bad that I haven't actually gone *out* to do anything like party or Ren Fair this weekend, but I promise people I'm not doing the depressed shut in thing. I just wasn't feeling well this week and needed an anti-social moment. I should be better next weekend & hope to get to the Ren Fair on its last weekend. And tonight is MST3K: Future War! Excitement & adventure are my life.

( preview )

Do you like classical art? Do you like Star Wars? Do you like classical art & Star Wars? Have you not seen the Something Awful Photoshop Phriday special from 2 months ago? Here's a taste:

Click here to visit.

So I guess I should finally do the meme I got tagged for. Not that I feel obligated or anything. *sideways glance to drachen_katze*

( Here it is. )

Tagging, not bothering w/formatting:
sentientjello
dyachei
raidingparty
cocoexpresso (if she ever reads her LJ)
simienwolf
rbrav
rangerwickett
mgafm

My mom reminded me today of a book I grew up on. It actually explains a lot about the philosophy of my life. Since it's still apparently a semi-popular book with little 'uns these days I couldn't find an online version of it, but I got the middle image & the words which are the most important. It was a simple counting book, but the idea is of just a ( lonely hippo who throws a house party )

Sometimes I feel like that hippo.

It is 1a.m. I *had* intentions of going to sleep at a decent time to get back onto a normal sleep schedule. Due to my hangover on Thursday I ended up skipping another day of work & have been sleeping in last 3 days. So to start this list off we have:

Douchebag what lives next door who plays loud bass into the night. (Oh yes, I enjoy your rap, sir. And the headaches it causes me.)
Smelly bathroom complete with continually clogging tub. (Partly my fault, though having only one person would have severely reduced clog & I would have cleaned more... because he kept saying he'd do it.)
Heavy dust what settles over all because of constantly running ceiling fan. (The air in our room either doesn't work or doesn't work hard enough.)
Super cold temps whenever it gets cold outside due to one side of the apartment being all windows.
Doing double duty loads of laundry.
Doing triple duty dishes.
Wanting to set dirty socks/random shoes on fire in the living room.
Being on the cramped side of the bed and having to maneuver around to the door when I want to leave.
Awkward silences.

I'm sure there are things I will miss, but right now I'm too tired and the asshole has finally left. I think to go to another party, but he's drunk and/or high so hopefully he'll die in a car accident. Or maybe he's just turned down the music, I don't know. I meanwhile will dream of suspenders.

Answers using titles by chosen artist: The Decemberists

Are you male or female? The Lady From Reims
Describe yourself: Bandit Queen
How do you feel about yourself: Everything I Try To Do, Nothing Seems To Turn Out Right
Describe where you currently live: When The War Came
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: California One Youth and Beauty Brigade
Your best friends are: Sons and Daughters
Your favorite color is: Red Right Ankle
You know: A Cautionary Song
What's the weather like: You'll Not Feel The Drowning
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called? July, July!
What is life to you? I Was Meant For The Stage
Who is your perfect date: The Chimbley Sweep
What are your hobbies: Bridges and Balloons
What is the best advice you have to give: Come and See
If you could change your name, what would it be: O Valencia!
Your favorite food is: The Tain

I spazzed out and uploaded a bunch of Rorschach icons. But since I never update I know I'll never get to use them. I can't believe of all the semi-attractive guys, including nude & blue, from Watchmen I found Rorschach the irresistible one. I've noticed within my fangirl obsessions a thread that rarely deviates from certain types of guys: usually older, angry, broken somehow (mentally/physically abused, murdered, etc.), serious, well-built (vs. girls who like 'em skinny which is weird because I like skinny guys in real life), and driven (a mission, a goal, a life's work). And often times my fantasy men are usually not "players", guys who would normally be with women. Period. (Or men to the slash fic-ers in my FList.)

What is wrong with this picture? I don't *think* I have any father issues. Especially since my dad is rather easy going and a nice guy... so opposite of above listed description. Do I fantasize about a guy I want to fix? Or do I imagine myself so f-ed up that I need a partner that would match that level of crazy? - Things I may need to bring up with therapist.

I like this icon. I sort of made it (stole the base from lasamy). Anyone who's seen the movie/is a fan of Rorschach will hear Phil Seben going "Ha ha! Multiple entendres!" If you haven't seen the movie, I'm sorry you suck at life.

This update brought to you by the Center for Puppetry Arts: go see the f#&%in' Jim Henson exhibit!

1. Dealt with homeless person who isn't homeless anymore so has no need to stalk me.

2. Spring spoke to Sparky and requested he not move out and if he has any qualms with me to take up with her(?) or at least lay them on the table. She wants to stop any major battles before they begin so he doesn't threaten to move out before April at least.

3. Dad OMFG is going to drive me crazy. Love the old man, have done many fun things with him but he is "always on", whereas I'm kind of a recluse and to add being stuck in a car while he gets perpetually lost in the city of Atlanta... let's just say thankfully he leaves tomorrow.

4. Got to go to the High & see the Louvre and Terracotta army exhibits. Saw Slumdog Millionaire. Went to Fernbank Museum of Natural History (realized the only major source of income for it these days is martinis & IMAX, and occasional kid groups, not a great museum). Center for Puppetry Arts was awesome, but small. Then went to Oakland cemetary to give my dad some exercise and so he could get some Civil War stuff in. May go to Cyclorama today if its open & Piedmont Park. I have also eaten at more random restaurants, mostly local flavour for his benefit, than any other week ever. And then he goes f-in home.

5. Monday I do my taxes.

6. Tuesday we may schedule in a "pow wow" as Spring put it to figure out what we are going to do about living situations. I wanted to shuffle off if they still want to get a house. Oooor if Spring wants to be my new roomie, maybe that will happen if Elson gets cold feet about getting a house. Maybe Sparks wants to go back to his mom's. Who knows? We'll find out next time on...

This wasn't very brief, was it?

Looking back on my first year of posts I realized I haven't been posting as much as I used to. When I was unemployed/still in college I would post all the time about anything or the little things. I would post the D&D stories, whine about colds, tell funny anecdotes about friends & family, go on about relationship drama, bitch about jobs or lack thereof, do memes, write dreams, anything to fill space. Over the last 3 years the posts have become sparser due to a sort of fear-based writer's block. If I look over them the greater portion of them seem to be either random distractions or me talking about how confused or angry I am. And I don't know why I'm afraid to write more on the happier times or forget to write down all the dreams and anecdotes I want to like I used to. I use this space because, having a neurological disorder, I'm concerned about memories. I'm worried that I will look back on this part of my life as a gray swath.

I have to say 2008 was a better year for me than the few posts left behind have indicated.
Medically: New medication, even though made me depressed, did suppress seizures & therefore just needs to be paired with the right med at the right dosage.
In love: Got messy, but with the medications issues & living space, both of which should change in 2009. Also in assisting "Beth to figure out who Beth is", Sparks is paying for my GRE as a Christmas present. The idea is I take it before the summer and chose either grad school or to get a certificate in paralegal depending on how I feel and the outcome. So his gift to me for Christmas was change. (Like Obama?)
In friendship: Miss old friends, the ones I can see again ('Rel) and can't (John Turner), but happy we could obtain a Roo at Emory. Also happy to meet our personal Kramer, Elson, who if not for Sparks I don't think would be this involved with us as friends (I'm halfway through Battlestar now, thanks to him). I'm glad for the time I got to spend with all my friends last year and I'm trying my schedule so I can get out of work a little earlier so its less of a pain to meet up with you.
Events: So let's not forget the weddings! Oh gods that was tiring but fun. This is the link for my flickr page I should have the Eros wedding up sometime, but those pics kinda suck. I also went to Florida in February with Mom & EL! That was awesome. Dragon*Con was a bit of a let down, but not as bad as some years because I managed to hang out with the right crowd and not get lost. Ryan's game may have been insulting to the Jews, but we came out successfully. Though I do wish it would continue in the same timeline if he's going to make me learn a new rule set. Not apologizing for passing out during Halloween game. Couple of good parties & excellent New Years party.

Looking forward to in 2009:
(Already happened -had written this 1/1/09) Meet my new doctor
(Already happened) Play in Grimm - was good game, my character may be evil now?
Dad coming down in February
Take GRE's
Waffle! party - March 7th, Danny decided
Moving out of this apartment
Maaaaybe quitting smoking (don't say anything Ryan)
(Happened, but I need to see the ending) Finally getting 100% in FFX-2 (stop laughing)
Mom & EL coming down in Sept for D*Con (sis, your job to make sure she gets here, if she needs to change hotels we can talk about that, she is *concerned* about finances... as per usual)